


Just Gals Bein' Pals

by TracedInAir



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Amanda is a walking bag of dirty jokes, Detective O'Neill solves the case, Diana and Akko are the most oblivious people in the world, F/F, Fluff, Humour, IT'S VERY SAD, copious descriptions of gals being pals, sorta crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26306311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TracedInAir/pseuds/TracedInAir
Summary: Diana and Akko are so sickeningly in love with each other that it's almost disgusting. Which is why it's such a damn tragedy that they're not dating!Apparently they ain't even smooched yet!Luckily, their best friend Amanda is here to help them in this trying time.
Relationships: Diana Cavendish/Atsuko "Akko" Kagari, Hannah England/Amanda O'Neill/Barbara Parker, Sorta but it's there if you wanna see it
Comments: 53
Kudos: 308





	Just Gals Bein' Pals

There was something suspicious afoot. A real-life mystery, right here at Luna Nova Academy. And Amanda O’Neill was just the girl to get to the bottom of it.

The Case of the Smitten Kittens, as she’d taken to calling it, was the talk of the town. Course, everyone already _knew_ that Akko and Diana were head over heels for one another. Sickening, really, how cute it was that they hadn’t noticed yet. But recent developments had really pushed the rumour mill into overdrive.

The pair had been inseparable since second year began two weeks ago. More to the point, both were goin’ around like they were walkin’ on clouds the whole damn time. Amanda got Conz to run the numbers, and she’d found that Akko’s Yay Per Hour quotient had increased from 1.3 to _2.1._

Something had happened over the summer.

Detective O’Neill was gonna figure it out.

“Hey Akko,” she asked one day, goofing off on what was supposed to be a study session, “how’s things with you an’ Diana?”

They didn’t call her Smooth Operator Amanda for nothing.

“Great!” Akko grinned, making little heart-eyes. “We’ve been spending so much more time together lately!”

“That’s cool,” Amanda said nonchalantly. “So, you banged yet?”

Akko tilted her head. “Huh?”

“What? You don’t gotta say if it’s too private but it’s pretty obvious you two got a thing goin’ on, right?”

“Amanda, I dunno what you mean?”

“Y’know, have ya done the nasty. Done the deed. Did the do.”

“What.”

“OK so probably not that much, I’m guessin’,” Amanda conceded. “Please say you at least got to second base.”

“I haven’t played baseball since middle school.” Akko looked totally confused.

“I mean like, made out with her.” Amanda was growing desperate. How could one little witch be this _dense?_

“Oh, you mean that time I went to Cavendish Manor.” Akko lit up.

 _“Now_ we’re gettin’ the juicy details.” Amanda leaned in with a grin.

“Yeah! When she tried to leave Luna Nova, I went to her place and got her to come back! I made it out with her.” Akko smiled at the memory.

Amanda fell back onto her bed, defeated. “Akko m’dear, I think you and I are having slightly different conversations here.”

“Huh? I thought you were asking about how well I’m getting on with Diana.” Akko’s brows furrowed.

“I am! I meant how _well_ you’re getting on with Diana!” Amanda threw her arms up in frustration.

“And I just told you! I can tell you more about Cavendish Manor if you want? I got bit by a snake and Diana had to save me and she told me all about how her family used to-”

“Akko! I’m askin’ if you smooched her!” Amanda growled.

“…Why would I do that?” Akko asked. “We’re friends, that’d be weird, wouldn’t it?”

Amanda stared at her in disbelief.

“Wait, is this one of those European things?” Akko paled in horror. “Like how Chariot kisses people on the cheek as a greeting sometimes? I thought it was just the French, are you telling me English people do it too? Should I have been giving Diana cheek kisses this whole time!?”

Amanda continued to stare into the middle distance. “…Nah, you’re good.”

* * *

This couldn’t be possible.

Akko _didn’t even realise she was into Diana._

_How!?_

Amanda was expecting something along the lines of _“Oh no, Milady Diana couldn’t possibly be attracted to poor little ol’ me!”_ and having to explain to Akko that most people didn’t have quite such a powerful _‘undressing you with their eyes’_ aura about people they _didn’t_ wanna do, but _this!?_

This called for drastic measures.

She was gonna have to cooperate with The Enemy.

“Hey terror twins, need some help here,” Amanda asked, sidling over to their lunch table on a day where they were alone, likely because Diana was distracted with her somehow-not-girlfriend Akko.

“Yeah no,” Hannah dismissed her without even looking up.

“It involves gossip.”

“You have our full, undivided attention.”

Amanda explained the situation, leaving out the numerous euphemisms. Well she added a couple different ones in to mess with Hannah, but that was just part of the fun really.

“Eugh, Diana’s the same,” Barbara griped. “Literally all she talks about is Akko this, Akko that, then we ask her like, ‘hey, do you want help arranging date ideas?’ and she’s all, ‘I know very well what date it is girls’.”

“Good Diana impression,” Amanda noted.

“Lotta practice.”

“Anyway,” Hannah cut in. “Point is, we eventually waded through like fifteen minutes of her having no idea what we meant, before we finally narrowed it down to ‘do you want help pursuing your romantic interest of Akko?’ and she just said no!”

Amanda’s eyes narrowed. “Phrasing.”

“Huh?” they said simultaneously.

“She didn’t say she’s not interested in Akko, just that she doesn’t want your help in pursuing her.” Amanda nodded sagely. “To be fair, I wouldn’t want advice from Miss NightFall either.”

“Crawl in a hole and die.”

“Aww, nice effort.” Amanda grinned. “Anyway, point is she’s definitely into Akko, she just doesn’t want your help.”

“We all knew the first bit.” Hannah rolled her eyes. “Girl’s gayer than _you.”_

“Now _that_ one cut deep.” Amanda turned to Barbara. “Take notes.”

“Do you ever stop?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“Gross.”

“Besides,” Amanda reasoned, “Diana’s more of an _Akko-sexual_ than a lesbian.”

“You’re not wrong.” Hannah nodded.

“So, getting back on track,” Barbara said, tapping the table, “what’s our actual plan here.”

“First step needs to be nailing down if Ice Queen knows she’s into our favourite disaster,” Amanda said. “If she is, that gives us a lot more to work with.”

“To work with?”

“You telling me you _don’t_ wanna get them together?” Amanda asked in disbelief.

“I thought you just wanted to figure out what was going on, and now you know,” Hannah said snidely.

Which would have had a bit more impact if Barbara hadn’t also responded with, _“Obviously!”_

Hannah turned to glare at Barbara, who had the decency to look a bit sheepish. “OK, so, supposing we did hypothetically want to see our best friend being sickeningly in love with the school dunce, what’s the next part of the plan.”

“Next part is you don’t call Akko that again.” Amanda’s eyes burned as she stared down the former bullies.

“Fair,” Hannah conceded.

“Then the part _after_ that,” Barbara said, leaning in conspiratorially. “Movie night, and we make sure those two sit together.”

“Ladies,” Amanda said with a wide smile, “I think this is going to be the start of a long and beautiful partnership.”

* * *

Movie night was fast approaching, but that didn’t mean Detective O’Neill could rest easy. Oh no, it was time for _secondary sources._

Enter Witness A.

“Um, isn’t that kinda private?” Lotte fidgeted with her glasses, cornered by Amanda in the library.

“Under normal circumstances I’d agree with you.” Amanda shifted her chair so she could put her arm magnanimously around Lotte’s shoulder. “But this is too important to leave to chance. True love, Lotte! Don’t you want to be a part of helping something so beautiful come to fruition?”

“I guess…” Lotte looked a little dreamy eyed, and Amanda reminded herself to thank Barbara for the tip.

“So, what evidence do you have to present for the Case of the Smitten Kittens.” Amanda leaned back in her chair. Shame she didn’t smoke. Probably wouldn’t be allowed in the library anyway, but it would have completed the look.

“Um, I saw Akko doodling Diana’s name in a heart in Magical Linguistics,” Lotte said. “Several times.”

“How did she explain _that_ one away,” Amanda asked.

“I didn’t ask! It’s too personal! I mean, I know she loves Diana, but I’d understand if they wanted to keep their relationship private, considering how much they’re both in the spotlight,” Lotte trailed off wistfully.

“Very romantic theory, Witness A, but the evidence doesn’t support it. According to one eyewitness testimony, Akko ain’t even smooched her Princess Charming yet,” Amanda revealed.

“No!” Lotte gasped.

“I’m afraid it was learned directly from Suspect A herself.” Amanda shook her head sadly. “All the evidence is pointing to the fact that we got a bonafide case of useless lesbians on our hands.”

“Akko’s bi,” Lotte corrected.

“Doesn’t make her not a useless lesbian,” Amanda said.

“That… makes more sense than it should,” Lotte said.

“This is why I’m the Detective, Witness A.”

* * *

Witness B was, unfortunately, a bit less cooperative.

“-ck off Amanda, I’m busy,” Sucy managed to fit in against the encroaching tide of Amanda’s conversation starter.

“I’ll make sure there’s a mushroom pizza at movie night,” Amanda offered.

“No deal.”

“I’ll _not_ tell Diana about how you nearly fed Akko to a cockatrice,” Amanda doubled down.

“Don’t you need two people for good cop bad cop?” Sucy asked.

“Would you really rather we had Hannah and Barbara here for this interrogation?”

“Fair.”

“So you gonna spill?” Amanda leaned back against the pillar, a victorious smirk on her face.

Sucy shot her a glare, then chucked a bag at her. “Carry that, you’re helping me with collecting.”

“Collecting?”

Sucy’s answering grin was lethal.

* * *

It wasn’t worth it.

Sure, she’d learned that Akko talked about Diana in her sleep. More importantly, Sucy had told her that Akko returned to England a week before summer holidays ended and spent the time in Cavendish Manor, _while Diana’s aunt and cousins were away._

Valuable information.

But it _was not worth it._

“I already showered three times!” Amanda pleaded, but her cries fell on deaf ears.

 _“You Stink,”_ read the note passed through the door.

“You’re not the one who had to wade through three different bogs, just for that damn maniac to realise the ingredient she was looking for was in the next swamp over!” Amanda pounded her fist against the locked door. “Then I had to wade through three more there!”

_“Deserved.”_

“Conz! You don’t mean that!” Amanda clutched her hand to her heart, vaguely aware that a couple other girls in the hallway were staring.

“I agree,” Jasminka’s voice carried through the door. “Stop poking your nose. Very rude.”

“Jasna! You wound me! I just want our friend to be happy, I thought you liked Akko, Conz?” Amanda tried the door handle again, and was rewarded with a jolt from Stanbot for her troubles.

_“I do, that’s why I respect her boundaries.”_

“You just don’t appreciate love!” Amanda decreed.

_“I’m aro/ace and I still understand it better than you.”_

“Ouch.”

* * *

As it turned out, ‘making sure Diana and Akko sat together’ needn’t have concerned them. The two practically snuggled up in the middle of the couch in the Blue Team dorm before Constanze even arrived with the projector.

Amanda sat a tasteful distance away on Akko’s side. In fact, she was sitting on the arm of the couch, for maximum tastefulness.

“So Akko, Lotte tells me you’ve been doodling Diana’s name in little hearts during class. Care to explain?” Taste _and_ tact, Amanda was on fire.

Diana stiffened, looking at Akko curiously. Detective O’Neill didn’t let such things go unnoticed. Suspect B was close to cracking, she knew it.

“Yeah, what’s to explain?” Akko asked, cuddling into Diana’s shoulder some more.

“Seems like an awfully romantic thing to be doing, doesn’t it?” Amanda asked nonchalantly.

“Huh? Nah you got it all wrong,” Akko explained, draping an arm over Diana. “Back before we stopped the Noir Missile, she told me she believes in my believing heart.”

Wow. Even Amanda was swooning a little bit at that. “So you doodle her name in hearts because your ‘friend…’ believes in your heart?”

“Exactly!” Akko beamed.

“I fail to see what’s so strange about it,” Diana added, bringing a hand to gently stroke Akko’s hair.

“Do _you_ doodle her name in hearts as well?” Amanda asked, sarcastically.

“Of course,” Diana said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Amanda’s jaw hit the floor.

“Not during class, of course.” Diana affixed Akko with a fond glare. Akko grinned angelically back at her. “But yes, Akko’s heart is what brought magic back to this world. I have a lot of respect for such a wonderful heart.”

“Uh huh.”

 _How_ could anyone be this oblivious?

She could hear Hannah and Barbara snickering from the chairs next to her. At least someone else was enjoying this disaster as much as she was.

“Hey Cav, did you know Akko says your name a lot in her sleep?” Time to up the ante.

“Is that so?” Diana seemed uninterested.

“I wonder what interesting things she says…” Amanda trailed off with a smirk.

“What Akko says or thinks about me while in her bed is entirely her own business,” Diana said.

Amanda burst out laughing. Giggles exploded out of Hannah and Barbara simultaneously.

“I fail to see what’s so amusing.” Diana’s brow furrowed.

“Seriously?” Amanda said. “You honestly don’t see anything funny about that statement?”

“Not in the slightest,” Diana said. “Should I, Akko?”

Akko shrugged. “I don’t get it either but Amanda has a weird sense of humour. She must be rubbing off on those two as well.”

“They wish,” Amanda said.

“I hate y-” Hannah started, then was interrupted by Constanze slamming the projector down on the table. She gestured to Lotte, who flicked the lights off.

A few minutes of arguments later, in which Constanze and Akko’s suggestion of giant mecha fighting movies were _thoroughly_ vetoed by the Blue Team, they settled on a fairly nondescript romantic comedy about oblivious lovers. Amanda had surprised everybody by voting for that one, but it was a worthy sacrifice to fit the ambiance.

And what an ambiance it was. Diana and Akko cuddled the whole way through the movie, whispering in one another’s ear, laughing at jokes only they heard or understood. It was sickeningly sweet, true love incarnate.

Which was why it was so damn _frustrating_ that it wasn’t yet!

About halfway through, Akko requested a bathroom break, and set about disentangling herself from Diana. Being Akko, she immediately tripped and fell, crashing heavily into the table.

She stood up, rubbing her head in pain as Constanze frantically checked on her projector.

“Akko, do be more careful,” Diana chided. “It won’t do to have you go round banging yourself against the table like that.”

“Yeah, especially not when Diana’s right there to bang you against the table instead,” Amanda quipped.

Dead silence met her comment.

“Why would I do that?” Diana asked.

“Wha-?” Amanda stared dumbfounded.

“Are you insinuating that I would enjoy inflicting pain on my dear friend?” Diana demanded.

“I mean, maybe if she asked for it,” Amanda said. Sucy chuckled at that one, at least.

“Why would I ask Diana to hurt me?” Akko looked confused as she made her way to the bathroom door. “You’re being really weird tonight, Amanda.”

Barbara and Hannah were laughing at _her_ now. This was stupid! Amanda was out here delivering comedy _gold_ and these two _useless lesbians_ didn’t even get it! How was that her fault?

* * *

The movie continued without much further incident. Aside from the bit where Barbara cried at the sappy ending then tried really hard to pretend she wasn’t while Amanda teased her for it.

It was good to be Amanda O’Neill sometimes.

“OK, pizza time!” she declared, pulling out Constanze’s contraband phone.

“You’re not seriously ordering food onto Luna Nova grounds, are you?” Diana said.

“No, I’m ordering it to Blytonbury, then getting the minotaur I slipped a fiver to earlier to bring it up to us. Come on Diana, I have _some_ standards.” Amanda grinned. “What we all getting?”

“Nothing, and I will be reporting your nonsense to Professor Finnelan if you keep this up.” Diana attempted to fold her arms over her chest, which was somewhat difficult given that Akko was snuggled against her.

“Eesh, Cav’s not a fan of takeaway I guess.” Amanda rolled her eyes. “Although I guess you already knew she preferred eating out, eh Akko?”

“Of course,” Akko said.

Amanda’s eyes nearly bugged out.

“Yeah, she took me to this great Japanese restaurant in Wedinburgh, it was almost as good as being back home!” Akko’s eyes got that glazed look they did when she was reminiscing about food.

Amanda’s mouth snapped shut. “Why do I even bother.”

Diana was eventually negotiated down from her anti-takeaway stance - largely due to some tactical puppy-dog-eyes from Akko - but neglected to order anything for herself. The rest of them agreed to split four large pizzas, with Lotte pulling the short straw of the mushroom-and-only-mushroom pizza to be shared with Sucy.

They then realised that Constanze was going to be sharing with _Jasminka,_ and added a fifth pizza.

And some chicken wings, for good measure.

And, of course, by the time the pizzas had arrived, Diana decided she _did_ want some, and proceeded to steal a slice of Akko and Amanda’s meat feast.

Which she placed onto a plate, and set about finding herself a knife and fork.

“You’re kidding, right?” Amanda asked around a mouthful of pizza.

“Hmm? I already gave you an apology for asking for some of your pizza after refusing at first, would you like another?” Diana dabbed at her mouth with a napkin after her first bite.

“You know, I don’t even have a joke for this,” Amanda said, despairing slightly. “You’re so damn British that you’re eating _pizza_ with a _knife and fork.”_

“Diana just prefers to be clean and tidy when she eats,” Akko said.

 _“How are you not hearing yourself right now!?”_ Amanda shrieked.

* * *

Sadly, curfew did eventually roll around. Had this been a Green Dorm hangout, this would have been only the beginning of proceedings, but with the Blue Team _graciously_ offering to host in their larger dorm, rules would actually have to be abided by.

And Amanda _still_ hadn’t made Suspects A and B crack! They _still_ hadn’t figured it out!

“It was lovely having the six of you over,” Diana said. “I was surprised when Hannah and Barbara suggested it, but we shall have to do this again in future.”

“Uh, yeah, anytime,” Amanda said. Diana was right, it _had_ been nice. Maybe Conz was right too. Trying to butt into Akko and Diana’s business was just frustrating. Besides, they’d figure it out in their own time anywa-

Akko kissed Diana.

Full on the lips.

 _“What!?”_ Amanda yelled.

Akko turned to her, disbelief on her face. “Wait, do you not kiss the homies goodnight, Amanda?”

Kiss the-

“What.”

“Really, I’m surprised Amanda,” Hannah said. “I thought you were less repressed than that.”

Barbara shook her head sadly. “She doesn’t even kiss the homies goodnight.”

“I mean, I wasn’t gonna kiss Lotte and Sucy goodnight til we got back to our dorm,” Akko continued.

“Try it and you _will_ die,” Sucy said.

“You- I-” Amanda’s mouth flapped uselessly as she tried to comprehend what was going on.

Diana kissed Akko. “Goodnight, darling.”

_“Darling?”_

“What? It’s a perfectly reasonable term of affection towards such a dear friend,” Diana said, still gently holding Akko.

“Yeah.” Akko nuzzled into Diana's shoulder. “Perfect thing to say for a pair of gal pals like us!”

Amanda’s brain short-circuited.

Then, very slowly, the whirring stopped, and everything clicked into place. The Case of the Smitten Kittens was solved.

“You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?” she said, staring straight at Akko in disbelief.

“Yeah we are.” Akko grinned.

“You’ve been dating since Akko’s last trip to your place, haven’t you?” She turned to Diana.

“Akko and I have been going out for nearly a month, yes,” Diana confirmed, a contented smile on her face.

“And the _rest of_ _you,”_ she said, turning to glare accusingly at the room's other occupants, “knew the whole time.”

Hannah and Barbara shook their heads. “Honestly no, but we figured it out tonight and wanted to see how funny it’d be when you finally got it.”

“I thought so, but it was none of my business,” Lotte said. “I’m very happy for both of you though!”

“I don’t care,” Sucy said, already heading for the door.

“You do, and you’re happy for her.” Lotte glared.

“Shut it.” Sucy tried to hide the ghost of a smile on her face.

 _“Obvious.”_ Constanze shrugged as she held up her board. Jasminka nodded in agreement.

Amanda was still trying to process everything. Trying to take it all in, just how badly she’d been beaten.

“Just one question,” she said to Diana, shoulders slumped in defeat. “Why’d you agree to it? This is an Akko kinda prank, not you.”

“It _was_ her idea initially,” Diana acknowledged, “but I agreed without hesitation.”

“Why?”

“To add a bit of whimsy to my life.” Diana smiled, carefree. “My life prior to meeting and falling in love with Akko was so… dull. I much prefer it now, where I can do enjoyable things like play pranks on my friends, and not have to worry about whether I’m disgracing myself while doing so.”

“That’s… pretty fair actually,” Amanda conceded.

“Also it was _really_ funny,” Akko said.

And honestly, who was Amanda to deny that?

* * *

Now featuring wonderful fanart, courtesy of Ari (just-y0ur-average-gay)!

**Author's Note:**

> *Dabs*
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the Tale of Amanda Getting Dunked On.
> 
> Comments always appreciated!


End file.
